Let's Restart

"Come on, man!" Rahul screamed into my ears, trying to break through the noise. It was his bachelor's party, and I was trying my best to survive the cacophony. "You of all people, Ronnie! You used to be a star of this dance floor." He was going on and on, and I was lost in my own thoughts. "No, I can't let you sit like this. Get up!!" He dragged me, holding my arms with all his force, and there I was amid all the too happy and grooving souls.

I don't remember exactly what I was doing there but after a while, my eyes fell on a lady. Sitting at some quiet corner of the pub. Yes, I knew her very well. Soon to be my ex-wife. I excused myself from the crowd and went to her. It wasn't easy. I gathered all my courage, found my voice, and managed to utter something.

"You said something?" She turned back to look at me.

"Hi, Priya," I said.

"Hi, Ronnie." She dived back into her phone. I sat beside her.

"You never liked this noise, and still you are here?" I asked.

Priya sighed. And then replied coldly, "Things change Ronnie, like it was impossible for me to separate you from these EDM nights and all, and right now you are sitting miles away from that dance floor."

Yes, she was right. Since our separation, everything has changed. Like me, running away from something I used to love and started cherishing something that had already left me.

"This reminds me that I still have your CDs, you know? I..." I trailed off and then continued, "I still have them."

She stopped scrolling for a while. "You can put them in the trash. I don't need them anymore." She said after a 10-second pause. I kept staring at her. I started recalling the fight we had when she insisted on buying a CD player.

"Seriously, Priya? CD player in the second decade of the 21st century? You can have playlists saved on your devices, you know right?" I remembered myself being high-pitched, and now I have no great feelings about that.

"Yes, you were right then." Priya brought me back to the present, "I got my ghazals playlist on Spotify. Easy." She was expressionless.

"Hey, peeps! What's up?" Shweta, Rahul's fiance, hopped between us and gave a hug to Priya. "So, Ronnie, you are going to stay till our reception, right?"

"Maybe not!" I said. Now that I knew Priya too would be here, I didn't want to make it awkward for us.

Priya knew what I was thinking. She excused herself and went somewhere.

It was almost twilight when the party got over. I was wondering how to return to my hotel when Rahul forced me to go to his place. "You can leave in the morning, bro. You are not going to find a cab at this hour!"

While handing me the coffee mug in the morning, Rahul started, "You still love her. Then why did you leave her?" I knew this was coming. I had no specific answer.

I sipped slowly and stared at the carpet for as long as I could. "I thought we just needed a break and that she would return." There was a long silence. He didn't push me.

"I know it was all my fault. And I know it's too late." I said, my words barely audible.

"She still loves you, Ronnie!" He patted hard on my knees.

"The water might forgive, but the ice never forgets. That was Priya's pickup line. Still is." I felt the mist in my eyes. Rahul might have thought the better of it and left me there with my emotions.

We crossed each other again during all the wedding rituals. Priya nodded curtly on seeing me. I saw her carrying one... What do you call it? A sling bag, perhaps.

"It's a pocket, not a sack. Why don't you carry a bag?" I always used to taunt her when she asked me to carry all her stuff in my pockets.

"It's weird," I said to her when she was alone. "What?" She asked without looking at me.

"You carrying a bag." I chuckled.

"Yes, things eventually turn into habits. It's not that hard." I felt the ice still had time to melt. But I finally started finding ways to be with her.

My friends, Rahul and Shweta, left us with each other whenever they could. Their wedding was bringing back my wedding memories. It was no cakewalk convincing our families, but we got married anyhow. Just to fall apart! I now wonder.

And Priya? Quite expected, started averting my gazes. Naturally, who would want to get stalked by her ex-husband. When we both knew whose fault it was. She tried keeping up with me, but I tried doing nothing.

But like a normal human being who is determined to get things when refused, I was also getting more determined to get her back. She was the only one I ever had, after all.

"Ronnie, it might be the right thing, but she's hurt. It's not going to be easy. And by the way, did you actually bothered calling her since last year?" The frustration was clear in Shweta's voice. And she was right.

"Yes, you are right." I replied, "I didn't try because I was too ashamed of myself. I have finally realized that I don't deserve her. Letting her go was my biggest mistake and the hardest thing I ever had to do."

I didn't stop this time. Shweta and Ronnie didn't interrupt me this time.

"I miss her every morning because she isn't there to wake me up. Making tea is the easiest task in the world but I still hate that taste because it's made by me and not Priya. I miss her every night because she doesn't pull me to the terrace to look at the stars. I miss her every weekend because it's not Talat Aziz echoing in my house. And now I regret why didn't she tell me that I was wrong? I wish she had screamed at me when I was louder. When I yelled at her for not reminding me to take the keys. When she had to ruin her weekend plans to entertain my boys' clan? No, she found it easier to leave than to hold. "

I realized that I was going breathless. My feelings finally got the better of me.

"I didn't know it would be that hard to see her everywhere and not being able to say anything. Even after one year of forlornness, I am too miserable to even ask for forgiveness. You are right, Shweta. I should not trouble her or myself by longing for her. By forcing her to be with this imperfect and irresponsible man like me. I guess I will..." I couldn't finish. I was almost sobbing, I think.

Shweta and Rahul left my room. While I stood there, gazing at the blue sky, for how long, I don't know. Suddenly, the phone vibration broke that spell. I looked for my phone and then saw someone staring right into my eyes.

Priya was standing there, leaning against the door.

We still had nothing to say. I was almost sure that she heard every word of mine. I wanted to pull her into my arms and let all that emptiness escape. But I didn't.

"I was looking for Shweta. I didn't mean to..."

I interrupted her, "Don't worry. I won't do anything stupid this time. I will leave after the wedding asap." I came out of the room, leaving Priya with her thoughts.

The wedding hall was beautifully decorated. It took me no time to do the math: the entire evening was planned by Priya. She was the Monica of our squad since our college days. We all used to taunt her for being unnecessarily perfect. White lilies over pink curtains and golden couches and chairs, only she could think of this.

I remembered how she had made Shweta nervous once because that poor girl couldn't find that perfect trifle cake since their favorite bakery ran out of those. I somehow tried baking one after scanning through the Youtube videos. It was the most imperfect one, and despite being herself, she had said, "It's beautiful," and had hugged each one of us.

I should have known that was the compromise she was doing. She accepted me with all my flaws, and instead, I made her perfection an issue to ruin what we had.

Suddenly my phone beeped as an intruder to my private grief fest. But I actually couldn't believe my eyes. It was from Priya.

I went to the terrace, where she had asked me to come. The moonlight made her eyes shine a thousand times more.

"You look beautiful," I said.

"Thanks." She replied.

I asked, "So, you wanted to talk?"

We went near the railing and absorbed the silence. I imagined people near the entrance dancing and hooting. And here we were, at some corner of the same place, so calm, so silent.

"You know, Ronnie!" This time she started.

"I am listening," I replied.

"I still hate to carry these heavy bags on occasions. I can't deal with my heavy designer dresses and bags and jewelry, all at the same time."

I could feel the sobs hidden in her voice. She continued.

"I have two playlists on Spotify. The other one has all the Marshmellow, Linkin Park, and Post Malone songs. I have stopped making tea because I don't have anyone waiting for it. I leave my stuff scattered on some days. Hoping some voice would assure me to say that it's okay to be like this."

Still, no words came out of me.

"I loved stargazing on the terrace. Sundays were dedicated to my ghazal, book, and coffee sessions. I know, nothing else was more irritating to you but this." She chuckled while wiping her tears.

"But now, every weekend, I go to those overcrowded cafes or malls or PVRs to absorb that noise. I try to feel if I could hear your voice amid those screams."

She suddenly turned to me. "Why you didn't call me? If it was so hard for you to leave me behind?"

"How could I?" My voice broke. "Would you have picked it up? You were determined to leave?"

"You didn't even try to stop me. You should have yelled at me then? Like you always do. Instead, you had let me go?"

"I was being stupid." I replied, "I thought you would come back eventually. Realization dawned on me after six months, when I was responsible for every small thing. Paying the bills, making that home look like a home, and everything else. You made it perfect. You make us perfect, and I deserved that abandonment for never realizing it."

I held her hands and pulled her closer.

"I want to restart." She said.

I thought I heard wrong. "Restart?"

"Yes, a restart. Let's restart this again. I will try to be a little less perfect, and you can be a little more perfect." Her eyes beamed through the tears.

I held her hands a little more tighter. "Yes, yes. A restart, yes, I want that too." I was fumbling badly.

We both laughed and finally let all those emotions elope that had been boxed up for one year.

After all, we were going for a Restart!